oh goodnes so it halloween and it will be quiet around this house guh oh well I need some recoupe time frome the other night
so I went with charlie to meltdown well we were rolling pretty hard and I wiggdout and acused him of hitting on some chick who was all over hime wering nothing but her skivies because before he asked me if I wanted anything he got this girl some light toy and I fliped out well her freinds noticed I was upset and gave me another tab so I wouldnt ruin their roll and soon I was as blisfully hazed as they were but the next day was full of tears and what not I Know charlie didnt have any bad intentions but im so fucking insecure I totaly acused him of some pretty foul stuff ug anyways we'v forgiven eachother blabla bla
RABBIT IN THE MOON fuckin kicked ass and you know what I dont even particulary get hyped about trance or any of the BS but that was fuckin awsome!
so I didnt realy have a good time until ritm but im ok now I was pretty devastated for a bit though I love charlie so much I thought UI was being dised but I was wrong I need tto learn how to trust people wich would be easyer if I haddnt been repeatedly burned But I think I can safly say that after our many long chats I realy do trust charlie. This fealing is new to me and its so releaving !
so im goin to se rabbit in the moon tonight yay I get to meet charlies friends boo I dont realy do the rave seen at all its realy not even the skanky atmosphere that I have a probllem with its the fact that im so synical and bitter and hatefull that the skankys throw off my happy drug child vibes and I dont like to go out of my way to be in a sticky kind of mood when I could just call home for that but its charlies thing Yah he's all kinds of into it im not (NOT INTO IT) I just had a few crappy expiriences out int he fucking deserts of CA with a certain my only reader and plenty of unmentionable substances and why the fuck did you take that girls phone # again because you never realy explained that one to me and what the fuck were you thinking because I remember what I was thinking i was thinking that I wished I was dead and that I wished you were dead and that I wished she was dead and that I wished everyone would just fucking die but tonight is going to be fun im gonna have a fucking good time
Id rather be back in that old haunted cat house
oh yah I almost forgot charlies crazy ex might be their to realy throw off my vibe. I dont want things to get trashy but if they hafto...
It realy bothers me somtimes the stupid things about people that I take personaly like for instance asking me if I will do somthing I would never hesistate to do somtimes my freinds treat me like a guest and then when they stop their hurtfull kurtasys Im offended once again I growl when im happy and wag my tail when I am upset therfor I must be mad. Lately for the first time in a great while I HAVE BEEN CONCERND WITH THE WAY OTHERS HAVE BEEN PERCIEVING ME! But somhow I can stil sence that they look at me with their own iniqiuties thier fatand pupioles so quiq to pas judgment but what can I do but look at them like the freaks they truley are. Is this self defence have I transpired once again into a creature that must crawl under the brushes is this servival mode. I question myself still or perhaps now only for the first time wich makes me question why. Is it time to give in to become one with the forces I have no chance of fighting. Sean I know you are reading this is this the universe becoming smaller Have I traded magik for fact. I didnt mean to upset you I remember when I needed you to listen and that you couldnt object I dont forget but I have changed and in my reflection of instability thios one who usto stand alone is gone. wretch I am what bitter sorrow has tainted a gracefull head the trust I had is gone do you trust me when I tell you this If I were you I would run its time to go but forgivness is thick in this putrid air like all the cheap perfume of a bordello Is it luck that i left when i did does luck ever come with regret. How does it happen!
well what do I do when I have run up to my limit again well for me the answer has been to keep moving so its time to pack again . It feels like I havnt even unpacked from the last move but its time to go again before my debts cach up to me.I hope this time around that I get to wallow in the scenery longer oh but I dont think I will be missing the human burdon of regret I plan to leave behind its leads to the most hideouse desperation who can i ask to go with me well the answer tto that is obviouse I hope nobody minds the suden lack of misplaced ocean spawned sceanery I dont think they will theyr to well comfortable in their rusted ways I wont miss the dust I hope where im headed their wont be rain
I loved our dirty citty and everything expirimental till death was appon me and I escaped the grips of mortality time and time again one of the few lucky to escape but at what cost as I now feel the realisation that I traded a part of myself -my home my love for a clean escape my Los Angeles to San Diego that spot where the broken sidewalks and sodden turf met the escape of the shoreline and the drop away from reality into the briney salt water. I miss those people full of despair with their pirate smiles and synical happynes I miss those children who work to run and play in the murky tides of the our beach or that magik spot wher the street winds just shy of being washed away forever I miss sublime creeping out of oppen windows and hammocks on bright aqua blue and tangerine porches weatherd by the ocean spray and that blond that only comes from being bleached by the sun in the surf I miss sandles and greeser sexy mexicano mechanicks and there rockabilly I miss the street urchin riotting punks who'l smack you with their deck then ask questions befor they spit on you and skate away I miss the surf girls and laid back dudes who like to drink sangria and eat sushi and homemade tortilla chips and mango griled chicken salsa I miss my sad freinds theyr all gonna kick tomarrow I miss being that close with somebody I miss lying for my freinds I mis waking up on the beach and hearing the coaster and the waves crashing those things that kept rythm with my heart
tomarow will be halfway reminisant riding the train into the citty. This place will never be home!
somtimes it frightens me when I realise how fragile ive allowed my life to become I dont think I have anything to worry about! I need to find new employment (I need to go back to school !) I need to stop waiting